The products: Satisfyer Pro Penguin Next Generation, Satisfyer Pro Plus Vibration

I’m a Womanizer fan. I don’t want to be, because I hate the name and I hate the price points, but I am. The Pro 40 was a total game-changer for me, while most Satisfyer models leave me a little underwhelmed. When push comes to shove, I would much rather be a Satisfyer Pro Penguin fanatic – yes, even though Satisfyer is notorious for ripping off Womanizer’s design and bragging about it.

(Like many other orgasm-inducing things, sex toy companies can be problematic.)

Satisfyer Pro Penguin Next Generation review ($55.99 USD)

With anything that gets you off, I find that you always have to sacrifice something. (Or maybe I’m just too goddamn picky, and I need to stop listening to my mom. “What if there’s someone better out there!”)

I’ve spent a lot of time making small sacrifices, but the Satisfyer Pro Penguin seems just right. It’s a toy that hits 95% in every category, instead of hitting 100% in three and topping out at 40% in the very last one. And maybe, after years of perfection mixed with utter bereavement, that’s what I want. 

About the toy: The Pro Penguin Next Generation is cute–it has a little white belly and a removable bowtie; how could it not be cute–and it works well for me. Its nozzle has significantly thinner edges than most Satisfyer toys, which makes it work better with my anatomy. It’s waterproof and silicone-bodied, with a rechargeable battery that lasts for about two hours and charges in four. It’s just under five inches long (4.75″), with 11 quiet intensities.

Why I love it: If you haven’t tried pressure wave technology/air pulse technology/etc. etc. before, I can’t tell you if you’ll like this toy. I can, however, tell you that this is how I’d try it. It’s a really good product, and at $55 it’s far less of a gamble than a Womanizer Pro 40 ($129 USD) or even a Satisfyer Pro 2 (CAD). It has a great range of intensities, and offers a unique, vibration-like sensation.

Satisfyer Pro Plus Vibration review ($69.95 USD)

When the Pro Plus Vibration launched, I waited to try it with bated breath. After all, it was an air pressure stimulator and a vibrator: so couldn’t it take the risk away from trying new technology?

The long and short of it is: yes, technically. The practical answer, however, is: nah, not really. 

About the toy: The Satisfyer Pro Plus Vibration is a waterproof, rechargeable, silicone sex toy. It features two motors, which operate independently: the air-pulse one, controlled by the power button and +/- controls, and the vibrating one, controlled by the single button on the back end with the little tilde.

The air pulse: The air-pulse portion of this toy functions like most other Satisfyers, with a head that sits somewhere in between the Pro 2 and the Penguin. (It’s fleshy, but not as overwhelmingly fleshy as the Pro 2. I like it, but I still don’t love it.) There are eleven speeds.

The vibrations: The vibrating portion, on the other hand, is… weird. Its motor sits further back in the toy, transmitting as many noisy vibrations to your hand as it does to your clit. The vibrations are buzzy, and the speeds start on high, then go down to medium and low before starting a series of seven patterns. While I usually hate patterns, I need them with this toy – otherwise, it’s almost immediately numbing for me.

My Satisfyer Pro Penguin and Pro Plus Vibration verdicts?

I’m very pleased with the Satisfyer Pro Penguin Next Generation – so much so that it’s become my top air pulse toy to recommend. I prefer the Womanizer Pro 40 to it, but this one is more affordable, easier to transport, and just generally cuter. Its first three speeds are truly whisper-quiet, and even the ones past that are quiet compared to most vibrators.

I like the Satisfyer Pro Plus Vibration a lot less. Its shape makes it great for those with arthritis or weak wrists, but the vibrations just don’t work for my body. It’s still a good toy (and might work for you), but I have a sneaking suspicion that mine will end up under my bed in three months and never come back out.

Availability: I find that PinkCherry, which ships discreetly to Canada and the US, consistently offers the best prices on Satisfyer products. Make sure to check out their store-wide sales on days like Black Friday and Boxing Day to stretch your budget even further (if you can wait that long!)

Happy Masturbation May, folks.